“Welcome to my funeral. I know what you’re thinking, “How sad.” But don’t. It’s fine. I’m fine. I’m dead. But I’m fine. I love being dead. The last week has been the time of my afterlife. I’ll prove it. Let me show you around and introduce you to some people.
This is my husband, Greg. He’s a dick. I knew this a long time ago, but you know how it is, there are so many reasons not to break free, i.e. you don’t want to fail at your marriage, you hang in there because divorce is frowned upon, it’s illegal to kill him, yadda yadda yadda. But the bad times are all behind us now. Our relationship has been fantastic since I died. I have never been happier. See how nervous he is? I wrote, “I’m still here…” on his bathroom mirror while he was showering that first night after my “accident”, and he totally flipped. It was awesome. The next night, I broke every mirror in the house at 3 am. I think he cried for three hours. I did things like that all week. Oh, and this morning I managed to show up in his mirror while he was shaving. As you can see, he missed his jugular thankfully. I mean, if he died, this new exciting relationship we have would be over.
Anyway, moving on, here is my husband’s “secret” girlfriend. Sweet girl. Dumber than a bucket of hair, but very sweet. Poor thing has no concept of what she’s in for. I tried to tell her with some ominous messages on the radio, but she just got excited that there was a cool scary radio show on. Understandable, except for the part I called her by name and used my husband’s name. She just thought it was a neat coincidence.
Over here, we have my best ‘friend’ since high school. Nice huh? That a friendship could last so long. Except for the part where she embezzled a ton of money from my company. Found out a few days before I was forced to nose dive off the building. Apparently, she and my husband had a common interest. See how she looks like an anxious squirrel? She’s had a rough week, what with all the disembodied accusations and threats that I may or may not have been doing while she’s asleep. Anyway, our relationship has changed, but in a good way. I think we’re in a good place.
The rest of the people here are nice. My parents of course. My siblings. They’re all great. A few friends….And people I don’t know. Does that priest sitting in the back look like an exorcist to you? He’s just sitting there ominously. He looks like an exorcist to me. Hmm…I’m betting Greg called. See, told you, he’s a dick. I’m finally happy with the state of our relationship and he can’t handle that. Typical.
Well, I guess that’s everything. So, am I supposed to go with you, crossover, or something?”
Death smiled, “No, I think we can hold off for a little while longer. I wouldn’t want to disrupt the progress you’ve made.”
“Oh, that’s so nice of you. Thanks. In that case, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go make Greg cry.”
Death smiled again, "Have fun.”
Photo By: Tandem X Visuals